"The guest I was looking for..."

So many times I invited love in my life and when it knocked at my door, I opened and found myself looking around to see if it wouldn't be accompanied by another guest... I realize that the thing I was really looking for was comfort, not love. Same thing with friendship or art or anything! When they knocked at my door as a surprise or as I invited them myself, I didn't let them come in unless they came with comfort... which they rarely did. Why??? Comfort usually comes with another type of guest such as compromise or illusion. I think now that it is much more simple and true to welcome the pure feelings and life experiences as they are without trying to manipulate them, twisting them to fit my own vision or way to do things. I need to allow love, friendship, faith and all of these wonderful guests to shock me, surprise me, stupefy me, and to leave me speechless, helpless, breathless...

My friends...I don't understand love... I don't understand life... I can't figure out what friendship is all about... but whatever... the love I live, the life I'm blessed with and the friendships I discover every day are making me feel so alive... they are delightful mysteries and I am welcoming them as they are.

I have to admit, a lot of times it makes me feel very frustrated and uncomfortable not to understand and control everything in my life. To let go is my every day challenge. Opening up like I do every single week in this diary is an exercise that helps me so much but it could very easily become a trap if I again invite comfort instead of real growth and sharing... comfort would mean to use the right words to make you agree with me and again manipulate to get you to love me. I am alone in this process so I have to watch myself and really be true. Which is different when we're doing the band interviews like the special Where Did We Lose Each Other series (that you HAVE TO watch by the way... they truly are a source of treasure!!!). These interviews are intense for me and comfort is not even knocking at the door!lol These video interviews confront me, push me to strip down the nice smiles to expose myself more like the example the guys are setting in front of me. That's the power of being together I believe... the impact the guys have on me is my treasure and saved me so many times...

Jeff is always an example for me of being true and not to care about showing off something nice, but displaying something true. When he lives his emotions live on the Bla Bla Bla and talks about his struggles in the different videos and just to see him always committed to supporting each and everyone of us... To hear Alex say live that he couldn't blog for so many years and developed agoraphobia... exposing himself... telling the world about it just as raw and true as the reality was for him. When I see him today overcoming his own demons and blogging again after so many years saying that he finally found himself a home, a place in his life where he knows he's at the right place, at the right time and being really happy, wanting to share with everyone... well that makes me curious about what he will explore in his life and share with all of us... I think his blog should be in our BOOKMARKS! Go ahead Alex! Explore your own soul, change your world and create your Disney Land! Share it with us and we won't remain only witnesses, we'll also gain strength and we will be inspired to do the same in our life!!!

Everything is a question of decision and of the degree of commitment we will have concerning these same decisions. It's the beauty of being an adult! We can of course act like kids, constantly reacting to what is happening, complaining that we don't have what we want, disgusted because we get dirty and nobody is cleaning up our mess, playing carelessly with whatever ends up in our hands, breaking up the precious things we have in our life and running after the next toys... So many of these "kids" finish their life alone, unable to laugh, empty handed and wiping wordless tears. I don't want to be like that. So that means I have to pay attention to each of my decisions, commit to what I decide in my life and commit to the people I surround myself with.

Over the years of blogging I have always tried to give you my best, but looking back I know I have failed at pushing my own limits of comfort to touch and share what is really true and the real love, the real friendship. But you guys are so good to me, so patient and so encouraging. I am thankful to you and I do commit to open my door to our life together, to push and free myself from anything that could try to keep me from loving you for real.

-Miss Isabel